Things That You Dont have To Say While Arguing.
trigger a response that's diametrically opposed to the
one intended. Upon hearing a(sometimes desperate)
plea to cool off, take it down a notch, or stop making
mountains out of Molehills.
1. "You must be crazy"
What’s true in an upset person’s statements. “Resist the
temptation to invalidate them without agreeing to any“No matter how crazy sounding what they say is, there is almost always a kernel of truth in it ,no matter how small.”
Don't say: "Are you kidding!? What's wrong with you that
you can't see how much I care!?"
don't care. But I wish there was something I could say or
do to prove how much I care about you. Because I do.
Your friendship is so important to me.
2. Oow! You always let me down."
Empathy is key when responding to a friend
Instead, empathy involves assuming his or her
perspective and letting the person know you see where
they’re coming from, Samp says.
Do say: “I was hurt by you not showing up today,
because I was really looking forward to seeing you.
3. "Ugh, damn shit again.
How you say something can be even more important
than what you end up saying. “We’re more attuned to the
tone of a sentence than its actual words,” Allen says,
“which is why something that might sound neutral ‘on
paper’ can come across intentionally or not as hostile.”
Do say: calmly, caringly “You do? That’s sweet.” Make
eye contact; reach your hand out to touch his shoulder.
“So, what can I do about it?"
Why this works: The warmer tone and gestures
combined with the eye contact communicate: Hey, I
hear you. I'm here for you. Without that warm tone and
kind gesture, the same words could sound as if they
meant, Of course, there you go again. What do you want
from me now?
4. "I'm leaving now"
Sounds obvious, but storming out when your friend or
S.O. is in an emotional tailspin is basically rejection
embodied: It sends the message that you don’t even care
enough to try understanding the person you just peaced
out on, Samp explains. That being said, taking a time out
to let hot heads cool down can sometimes be wise, she
adds.
Do: Take a deep breath, make eye contact, and say, “I
really want to help, but I need to take a breather for a
second. Can we call a timeout and resume when we’re
calmer say, in five or ten minutes?”
Why it works When we’re frustrated with someone, we
may cross our arms, position our bodies away from
them, or avoid making eye contact while they speak,
Samp says. Sometimes this can be passive aggression
in action hey, we’re all guilty, but it can also be our
physical response to feeling overwhelmed. For the
purposes of this article, we’ll give you the benefit of the
doubt. So be mindful of your body language as your
loved one rides the waves of his or her meltdown.
5. "I'm done with the shit now."
Finally, don't give up. All hope is not lost if your efforts
to calm someone down backfire, Samp says. Once the
other person has recalibrated on their own time, you can
still try the above tips.
To re-open the discussion, say: “I’m sorry that my
response was hurtful. I really didn’t intend it as such.” Or
“I didn't really appreciate your perspective before, but
after giving it some thought, I see where you’re coming
from, and I better understand why you felt that way…”
Once they're in a calmermode, you can raise any
concerns you held off addressing when they were crazed
including your own hurt feelings.
Tags:
Lifestyle